it's not all it's cracked up to be

She gave me back. That's all my dad ever told me about it.

I was born on the crest of a wave 20-odd years ago and given to the most tempestuous of women with little to no regard as to how it would affect my childhood. It'll be alright, everyone said... she'll grow up among the stars and have dolphins as playmates. She'll learn how to play the conch and braid seashells into her hair. She'll have the loveliest time and make the best of friends.

Bullshit.

Sounds like a dream don't it? But no one EVER thinks about how those Starfish form their own little cliques and won't let you play with them. Yeah, that's right, ever seen Mean Girls? I bet they were all raised by selfish Starfish that think that you're not good enough because you can't compare hydraulic systems with them. And the dolphins? Don't even get me started. Yeah, I'll admit that when I was a  kid I had a few of them as friends but that didn't last long. Once Jimbo and Elroy hit puberty BAM! They started humping everything that moved (and a few things that didn't) and I am not about to start popping out baby dolphins. No way.

The conch is a foul instrument that sounds like dying elephants. A couple of seconds into my first lesson I realized that the snail that had promised to vacate his house for a few hours had forgotten. The progression of events that ensued were not pleasurable to me, or him, and we've agreed never to speak of it again. And, have you EVER tried to braid stinkin' seashells into your hair? No, you haven't, because anybody with common sense knows that they smell bad and can tangle very easily. I have had very many unfortunate haircuts in my life because of this.

Anyway, Sea decided to give me back, but not before naming me after herself (selfish bitch). I would have been happy with a Jane or Rose, but no, she named me Mar. In Spanish. Neptune only knows why.